PLOT:

After capturing that guy from the very last scene in Casino Royale, Bond and company learn about the existence of a massive conspiracy that’s infiltrated even their own organization (they’re never actually named, but fans of the series should recognize it as the supervillain group SPECTRE). Bond tracks down potential leads to find out who’s behind the group, and finds himself getting caught up in their plot to exploit a third-world country, while at the same time being distrusted by his own allies, trying to get himself over the emotional damage done to him by the girl from the first movie, and violencing the hell out of anyone in his way.

STYLE:

Like the last movie, this one runs a lot closer to the Bourne movies than the classic 007 series, and every time it does harken back to the old series, it feels like it’s done more out of obligation than choice. Even the standard trippy opening credits with silhouetted naked women and guns shooting out pure style feels a little forced. Also, is anyone else completely sick of the shaky-camera effect in every fight scene/chase scene/pleasant breakfast scene in action movies these days?

ACTING:

Daniel Craig does a great stone-faced, grim ‘n’ gritty sort of deal, but then when he lets out one of those trademark cringe-inducing James Bond double entendres, it’s just kind of awkward. I guess it works for the pseudo-realistic take on the series they’re doing, but if you’re expecting him to be as suave as Connery or Moore, you’ll be sorely disappointed. Not helping matters is Olga Kurylenko’s run as the Bond-girl du jour, Camille–though I imagine that has slightly more to do with her impenetrable accent than her actual acting skill. Judi Dench is fun to watch as the no-nonsense M, but gets a little repetitive when her only emotional state is ‘authoritative and disapproving.’ Mathieu Amalric is okay as the weasely villain Dominic Greene, and his inherent non-threatening demeanor is off-set by Joaquin Cosio as the big Saddam-esque General Madrano.

Overall, nobody’s performance is flat-out bad, but there’s also nothing that’s going to just blow you away.

ACTION:

There are a few really energetic chases/shoot-outs on foot and on wheels, as well as a few down-and-dirty brawls and an aerial dogfight, but almost all of it is ruined by the constantly shaking camera. It’s a real shame, too, because you can tell that there was some good work that went into the fight choreography.

ROMANCE/T&A:

Since a lot of this movie’s subplot involved Bond trying to get over the tragic death of his girl from Casino and finding the people behind it (and frankly, if I were boinking someone as gorgeous as Eva Green and she died, I’d be more than a little miffed about it myself) there’s not a whole lot of sparks between Bond and Camille. They mainly just compare emotional damage for a few scenes and then have an awkward kiss at the end.

That doesn’t mean James isn’t up to his usual womanizing shenanigans, though. He does manage to get a quick fling in with a female agent, the painfully-named ‘Strawberry Fields,’ who is quite nice to look at and I honestly hoped would have gotten more screen-time.

GRIPES:

First and foremost, there’s a good twenty minutes or so where the plot doesn’t really go anywhere. There seemed to be just a little too much of Bond and/or the other MI-6 folks just sort of mucking about while waiting for the plot to advance.

Moreover, I was really disappointed by the big reveal of the villainous conspiracy’s identity and their intentions. I get that they’re trying to make it topical or whatever, but come on–has there been a single spy thriller in the last eight years where the villain hasn’t been a bunch of evil rich white people out to make more money? Rather than have them come up with something world-threatening or at least interesting to watch, it seems most Hollywood writers are just content to say “multi-national corporation” and call it a day.

Never mind the blatant staggering hypocrisy of anyone in Hollywood saying anything bad about capitalism (*coughCLOONEYcoughGLOVERcough*), at this point it’s hackneyed and even just lazy. In the remake of The Manchurian Candidate, the plot to install a brainwashed Communist pawn in the White House is changed to what? An evil corporation. Who engineered the assassination and framed Marky Mark in the godawful Shooter? An evil corporation. Who murdered Ralph Fiennes’ wife in The Constant Gardener? An evil corporation. Shit, it’s even played out in fantasy/scifi fluff like Star Wars (the Trade Federation) and Pirates of the Caribbean (the East India Company). So yeah, the re-launch of SPECTRE, the evil anti-spy organization out to throw the world into chaos, and what do we get? An evil corporation. YAWN.

OVERALL:

On the whole, Quantum of Solace feels more like an awkward epilogue to Casino Royale. There’s nothing offensively bad about it, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like it accomplishes anything. I was entertained, but was honestly hoping it would start heading into the more familiar Bond territory.

If you liked the first movie, you’ll probably like this one. It’s a little bit of a step down, but nothing so much as to turn you off completely. If you weren’t a fan, Quantum isn’t going to change your mind.

Despite my nitpicking, overall, this jerk’s thumb…is UP.

(Also, there’s a new trailer for Watchmen before the movie. That alone is worth the price of admission)

Saw the preview for Watchmen, which looks incredible.  Saw the preview for The Spirit, which looks like just an exercise in revealing how much of a one-trick pony Frank Miller really is.  And saw the teaser for Terminator: Salvation, which the franchise desperately needed after the travesty that was the third movie.  Finally, the management came out to thank us for coming, the house lights went down, and the most anticipated movie of the year began…

…holy shit.

Since I am usually prone to getting over-excited about movies when I first see them, I decided it was for the best to get a second opinion on this one.  So joining me once again is the Dick/Jason/Tim to my Bruce, Ryan ‘The Gent’ Hanley.

The Gent- At long last we are given The Dark Knight, the much anticipated sequel to Batman Begins. Now that the wait is finally over, was it worth it or should we douse this thing in Bat-Shark Repellant?

PLOT:

One year after setting up shop in Gotham City, Bruce Wayne is conflicted as to whether or not the city really even needs Batman anymore.  Jim Gordon is head of the GCPD Major Crimes Unit, and has been hammering the city’s criminals.  Even more fearless than Gordon is Gotham’s new District Attorney Harvey Dent, a ‘knight in shining armor’ who is every bit of the heroic symbol that Bruce created Batman to be.  With the mob crumbling down and the good guys finally winning, Bruce is just about to put the Bat away…

…until the criminals get a ’symbol’ of their own: a mass-murdering anarchist known only as ‘The Joker.’  The streets of Gotham become a warzone as the Joker terrorizes the city, always ten steps ahead of the cops, and demanding that Batman unmasks himself.  With the body count rising and the public out for his head, Batman has got the greatest challenge of his life ahead of him: save Gotham City…and make sure that the city’s still in any state worthy of saving.

STYLE:

The Jerk- Once again, Nolan and his crew has the atmosphere of the movie grounded firmly in reality.  All of Batman’s new gadgets (including some pretty out-there ones) have at least somewhat plausible justifications, and the public’s reactions to both him and the Joker are almost exactly what you’d expect if this happened in real life.  No real gimmicky cinematography or overblown style; it’s all down-and-dirty here (the videos Joker sends in to the news are particularly disturbing), and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Gent- Christopher Nolan sticks to what made Batman Begins so great with its darker look at DC’s Dark Knight. The whole city of Gotham has an attitude of itself and complements all of its unique characters. While Batman is indeed a kid’s favorite, The Dark Knight shows just how edgy the comics really are with it’s grittiness and imaginative action. This was definitely something that came out of Batman Begins, which I think is of overall importance. It needed to live up to a great movie and it did.

ACTING:

The Jerk- Christian Bale is still an amazing Bruce Wayne, able to switch between the conflicted and troubled detective to the gawdy and somewhat tasteless playboy at the drop of a hat.  His ‘Batman’ voice got a little goofy at times, though, especially when he was just trying to have a normal conversation.  Still, that isn’t really enough to distract from an otherwise stellar performance.  Michael Caine plays Alfred Pennyworth to a T, and Morgan Freeman is at his Morgan-Freeman-est as Lucius Fox.  Rounding out the returning cast members is Gary Oldman, who really steps up as Lieutenant (and eventually Commissioner) Jim Gordon, a good cop who’s had his morals ground down by the city, and might think he’s getting too old for this shit but knows he’s the best chance the GCPD has.

The newcomers to the cast include Maggie Gyllenhaal, who picks up where Katie Holmes left off as Rachel Dawes, and is a major step up.  I hate when they just contrive a new character to act as the hero’s love interest, so the fact that they actually made me care about Rachel says a lot.  I can’t say enough good about Aaron Eckhart, who really should be getting more hype about his own performance.  Watching the rise and fall of Harvey Dent is downright heartbreaking at points, and Eckhart plays it flawlessly.

And then…there’s Heath.  I think like most people, when I first heard that Ledger would be playing the part of the Clown Prince of Crime, my reaction was “What?!  The Brokeback Mountain guy?!?!  Awwww, lame!”  I love it when I’m wrong about stuff like that.  Where most actors (including myself) would have been inclined to go the spastic and completely manic route, Ledger’s Joker is brilliantly understated and dry with his hideous sense of humor, only breaking into hysterics when it’s called for.  He’s absolutely fascinating to watch, and while I’m sure most of the Oscar buzz they’ve been giving him is empty Hollywood lip-service, he truly does deserve a nomination.  It’s quite possibly the best movie villain I’ve ever seen.

The Gent- The returning actors, including Bale, Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox, and Michael Cane as Alfred, remind us why the first movie was so great. Everyone was just as committed to their characters as before and gave very believable portrayals of the comic originals. This time around we also have Maggie Gyllenhaal, taking over the role of Rachel Dawes. I went in believing that she would do a better job than Katie Holmes and I think I was right. With all due respect to Holmes, who did fine last time, I think Gyllenhaal really made the character her own and also made her a bit more likeable. There was some more depth and personality this time around. Aaron Eckhart made a great Harvey Dent in the film. We’ve already had two different Dent’s in the past films, but now the character finally had a purpose instead of being either wallpaper or total camp. And of course we can’t forget the late, great Heath Ledger playing the Joker. All I can say is…wow. He really brought the character where it needed to be. The Joker is supposed to be this dark and this psychotic, but at the same time a bit funny (I’ll never look at pencils the same again, if at all). Ledger did this and more and I do hope he gets the Oscar nod we’ve been hearing about.

ACTION/VIOLENCE:

The Jerk- I don’t want to give any of the details away for those of you who haven’t seen it yet, but every action sequence in the movie is an absolute blast.  Plus, they don’t do that awful shaky-camera thing that ruined the fight scenes in the first flick.  It’s chock-full of some of the most badass fights, car chases, shootouts, etc ever put to film, including a vehicular battle that will leave you in awe.  Also, don’t ever say yes if someone wants to show you a ‘magic trick.’

The Gent- It is Batman after all, but all of the action was well done and imaginative. Each piece of action was more exciting than the last and it was all integrated into a fantastic story. It wasn’t there without a purpose, it was there as a vital part of a great film.

ROMANCE/T&A:

The love-triangle between Bruce, Rachel, and Harvey is played incredibly well, to the point where I wasn’t even sure who to root for.  I was glad to see it didn’t hog up the screentime like so many similar movies love to do, but it served as a great backdrop for what the characters really wanted, and what was at stake if they lost.  It’s nice when a love story actually enhances the plot, rather than distracts from it.

And while Maggie Gyllenhaal isn’t quite the piece of eye-candy that Katie Holmes was, she’s still quite nice to look at, and makes up for it by being a much better actress.

The Gent- We do get to see a bit of romance, which was also well placed. There is a bit of a triangle with Wayne, Rachel, and Harvey, but it was done in a very mature way. There was definitely an opening for a bigger focus and more jealousy here and there, but I don’t think fans would have taken to that and Nolan did a great job of making it there, but subtle.

FAITHFULNESS TO THE ORIGINAL:

The Jerk- Nolan and company certainly know their Batman, and seem to have drawn inspiration from the best incarnations of the Caped Crusader.  His detective work and cooperation with Jim Gordon harkens to the run by Neal Adams, and the Bruce Timm animated series.  The characterization and philosophy of the Joker is pure Alan Moore, particularly The Killing Joke.  Harvey Dent is pulled almost straight from the pages of Jeph Loeb’s The Long Halloween.  And there’s enough violence and sadism to appease the Frank Miller Dark Knight Returns crowd (although there’s nowhere near as much homophobia and juvenile Superman-bashing in this one).  Even if you’ve never picked up a comic book in your life, it’s obvious that the people behind this movie know what makes Batman tick, and the execution of it is a sight to behold.

The Gent- It’s Batman, it’s the sequel to Batman Begins, and that’s all you need to know.

GRIPES:

The Jerk- As I said before, Bale’s growling Batman voice can get a little silly at times, especially when compared to the golden tones of the great Kevin Conroy.  And the bat-sonar system he gets (which essentially grants him X-ray vision) was just a bit of a stretch from the sober and realistic tone of the rest of the movie.  However, those gripes are pretty miniscule compared to everything that the movie does right.  Sometimes a work’s flaws make you see just how close to perfection the work really is.

The Gent- I think certain characters should have been left “available” for an inevitable third movie. And of course it is sad that this will most likely be the only outing for the Joker. I don’t think Ledger can, or should, be replaced.

OVERALL:

The Gent- I can’t praise this film enough. It did as good a job as “Batman Begins” if not better. Seeing the Joker was worth the ticket alone. That and we get a Watchmen trailer.

This Gent’s thumb… is so far up it’s stuck in the roof.

The Jerk- Apologies to Ryan for switching the order in this last category, but I really wanted to get the last word in.  Back in the 90s, after the disaster that was Batman and Robin, there was a fifth script making the rounds, a never-produced film called Batman Triumphant.  I kinda think that it’s a rather fitting sub-title for this movie, since that’s exactly what it is: a triumph.  It shows that superhero movies don’t have to be watered-down product placement vehicles, that you can make a ‘mature’ cape-story without slathering it in blood and tits, that you can get substance and kickassery in one outing.  It is absolutely everything you would want in a movie.

Simply put, The Dark Knight is the best thing to happen to superhero movies since Christopher Reeve started the whole thing 30 years ago.

This Jerk’s thumb…is WAY UP.  No, wait…it’s WAY, WAAAAYYYY UP.  No, screw that.  IF THIS JERK’S THUMB WERE ANY HIGHER, HE’D BE POKING JESUS.

Yeah, I think that sums it up nicely.  Now, who wants to see a magic trick?!

PLOT:

Hellboy, a demon sent to bring about the apocalypse but really doesn’t want to, isn’t too happy about having to be kept a secret by the B.P.R.D. (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense), and longs to live a normal life with all the regular non-monster people.  This is complicated not only by the fact that he’s a big red devil, but also that his pyrokinetic girlfriend Liz is pregnant and doesn’t know how to break it to him.

It’s complicated a wee bit further when an evil prince from the forgotten kingdom of elves declares war on the human world, and seeks to resurrect a golden army of indestructible mechanical soldiers.  So it’s up to Hellboy, Liz, their fish-man partner Abe, and an ectoplasmic German named Johann to do what they do best: kick ass and save the world.  Yee-haw.

STYLE:

Like in the first one, del Toro combines a lot of action with some pretty good comedy, though a lot of the horror elements are now downplayed a good bit.  In place of the Cthuloid doomsday creatures is a hidden world of old magic, filled with crazy-looking trolls and all sorts of other creatures from the same designers of Pan’s Labyrinth.  Playing the CGI card only when absolutely impossible to do otherwise, the monsters are made that much cooler by the fact that they’re actually there.  Long story short, if they don’t get an Oscar for Best Make-up Effects, it’ll be a damned robbery.

ACTING:

There’s really no one else I can think of who could play Hellboy other than Ron Perlman–the guy’s just absolutely spot-on with him, even better than the first time around.  While I missed David Hyde Pierce’s voice as Abe Sapien, it was nice to see Doug Jones finally get to do his awesome suit-motion work and not have his voice dubbed over (he also plays the Chamberlain and the Angel of Death, who are freaking incredible but only show up briefly).  Jeffrey Tambor does a great job as the B.P.R.D. director and human doormat Tom Manning, though it was disappointing to see that he kind of gets shoved aside about a third of the way into the movie.  Rounding out the better parts of the cast is Seth MacFarlane, who provides the voice for Johann Krauss.

On the downside, Selma Blair came off really flat as Liz, though that might be because she was trying to be the ‘human’ anchor to the two cartoony-looking monster folks she works with.  And I know that mystically-enlightened folks are supposed to sound detached and whatnot, but Luke Goss and Anna Walton felt like they were just sleepwalking through their roles (particularly Goss) as Prince Nuada and Princess Nuala.  I can’t tell if that was intentional, or just bad acting, but it really started to get grating after a while.

ACTION/VIOLENCE:

There are some pretty awesome sequences throughout the movie, as Big Red and company take on a swarm of tooth-fairies (who are nowhere near as nice as the name sounds), punch trolls just for the sheer heck of it, save New York from a gigantic plant elemental, and slug it out with the ‘industrable’ Golden Army.  Those fights are all a hoot and a half, but whenever Prince Nuada gets into the fray with his embarassingly obvious fast-forward wire-fu, it has the exact opposite effect of what they intended.  Sorry guys, but Ray Park he ain’t.

ROMANCE/T&A:

The relationships between Hellboy and Liz (and later, Abe and Nuala) actually work a lot better when they’re not interacting with each other.  That sounds cynical, I know, but I actually got a lot more from the scene where Hellboy and Abe are throwing back brews, commiserating over their respective women troubles, than I did from the scenes when they’re together.  Also, Selma Blair is still really easy on the eyes, especially for someone who’s supposed to be having a kid in-character.

FAITHFULNESS TO THE ORIGINAL:

The first Hellboy took a lot of liberties by adding in a whole new character (who was written out of the sequel), inventing the love sub-plot between Hellboy and Liz, and by changing the look and origin of the Ogdru Jahad, but was still more or less a straight adaptation of the stories Wake the Devil and Conqueror Worm.  This one, on the other hand, was made completely from scratch, and for the most part it still felt pretty right.  I did kinda miss the way the world of magic was portrayed in Mignola’s comic (especially since the mincing elf prince Nuada could just as easily be replaced with the much cooler pig-demon Gruagach), but Del Toro’s own version works well enough.

In keeping to terms of characterization, they’re still absolutely dead-on.  Hellboy acts like Hellboy, Abe acts like Abe, and all is right with the world.

GRIPES:

I could never get into the villain this time around, which is disappointing since he takes up an awful lot of screen-time.  It felt at times like Del Toro had a plot for a whole other movie, then decided to throw Hellboy in later.  Gone is the sense of apocalyptic dread from the comics and the first movie, replaced instead by an “aww, it’s sad that nobody believes in magic” sort of message which would be fine if we were supposed to sympathize with Nuada, but he’s the villain, and Hellboy’s more fun anyway.

OVERALL:

If you see one superhero movie this year, see The Dark Knight.  If you see two, see that and Iron Man.  But if you see three, you could do worse than seeing Hellboy II.  It has the feel of a spiritual successor to Ghostbusters, being funny when it wants to be, and kickass when it needs to be.  While there are a few flat moments, it’s still a good time to be had, and if this weren’t already a banner year for awesome hero movies, it’d probably be getting a lot more attention.

This jerk’s thumb….is UP.

Instead, we went to go see the film adaptation of Mel Brooks’ classic 1960s TV show Get Smart. So, after being brought out of retirement and given a shiny 21-century makeover, does this spy still love you?

To find out, I’m bringing in a special guest reviewer for this one, who’ll give me his two cents so we can add up to four cents and almost have a nickel. Anywho, alongside the Jerk today is my buddy Ryan Hanley, aka ‘The Gent.’

PLOT:

Maxwell Smart, the best pencil-pusher for the super spy organization Control, gets called up to the big leagues after they’re attacked by the terrorist group KAOS. Teamed with the no-nonsense Agent 99, Smart has to find the terrorist leaders and stop their evil plot and so on and so forth. Much more hilarity ensues than the brief synopsis implies.

STYLE:

The Jerk-Peter Segal’s style is very Michael-Bay-ish, but with tongue planted firmly in cheek to remind everyone of just how ridiculous Michael Bay is. The abrupt swings between lighthearted spoof and balls-to-the-wall action thriller can be a little jarring, but don’t really detract from the film. The dialogue is very cleverly written, and balanced with just enough easy slapstick to not turn off average viewers. In short, the idea was to make the movie both funny and cool, and for the most part it succeeded.

The Gent-Just like the series of old, Get Smart attempts to get away with a stylish yet irreverent, silly humor throughout the movie. The style part comes in when every once in a while the audience is reminded that Smart is actually a secret agent and not totally incompetent. What the movie seems to have done right is that director Peter Segal understands that Maxwell Smart is in fact book smart when it comes to being a secret agent and that the humor is showing how he lacks what he can’t learn. The old formula of all technique yet no taste still proves useful, as does the old formula for the show itself. The jokes are new (excluding the old catch phrases) but the delivery is the same. Thankfully that delivery still holds up today.

ACTING:

The Jerk-Steve Carrell could have just channeled the spirit of Don Adams in the famous role of Maxwell Smart, but instead really made the character his own. He does his usual awkward-pause or brazenly-confident-about-the-wrong-statement routines to start off, but is still fairly believable when he starts to act like a proper hero. I usually don’t like when classic characters are brought back specifically as a vehicle for contemporary stars, but Carrell provided a thoroughly likeable character who I was really happy to root for.

Anne Hatheway shows some pretty nice character progression as Agent 99, going from a sarcastic and dismissive ice queen, to eventually warming up to Max, to finally falling in love with him. Comedy legend Alan Arkin is fun to watch as the Chief, but never does quite have the same presence as Edward Platt from the 60s show. The rest of the Control crew features Dwayne Johnson (who always comes off to me as rather bland as a legit actor, but maybe that’s because I miss his loud Muhammad Ali-esque antics as the Rock), Masi Oka (who’s pretty fun as one half of the geeky, Q-style duo along with Nate Torrence), and David Koechner (who basically just plays Champ from Anchorman again)

The villains’ side of things brings Terrance Stamp back into the limelight as the smartass KAOS leader Siegfried, and is the most fun he’s been on the screen since playing General Zod way back in Superman II. Ken Davitian plays his lackey Shtarker, and gets to deliver some pretty amusing asides. Throw in a couple of fun cameos who I‘ll allow to remain nameless so you can still be all like “hey, it‘s that guy!,” and you’ve got yourself a pretty solid cast.

The Gent-What makes me happy with Steve Carell’s performance is that he thankfully uses what he actually has rather than tries to do his best Don Adams impression. This silly yet subtle style of comedy has always worked in his favor and thankfully the movie went in this direction, although I don’t see it actually being able to go in any other direction. Fellow cast members Alan Arkin, Dwayne Johnson, and Anne Hathaway all hold there own surprisingly well, especially when Carell’s antics could be a bit distracting. Everyone has a very different style of comedy within their own characters and everything blends rather nicely. To top it all off this movie has cameos, cameos, and more cameos! In fact these were some of my favorite cameos that I’ve seen in any movie and I am fighting the urge to name names. Then again, IMDb has named them for me if you are interested. 

ACTION:

The Jerk-For a spoff movie, this one has a surprising amount of kickass behind it. Plenty of shootouts, your standard evil-lair-rigged-with-explosives bit, and a pretty fun skydiving fight sequence. It can really catch you off guard when Max has one of his big goof-up moments, then suddenly becomes Jason Bourne and levels a bad guy before you even realize what happened. Even if you removed all the comedy bits, it would stand on its own as a pretty entertaining (though not particularly original) action flick.

The Gent-Once again, Get Smart has always been about spies, thrills, and action. The movie does throw in a great deal of it and I was pleasantly surprised to see how well it was delivered. Steve Carell may not be anyone’s first choice as an action star, but he appropriately jumps in as Maxwell Smart can. Like the creativity in the humor, I found there was an equal amount of creativity in the action, which is good because the movie doesn’t come across as a huge style mess. Some might see the action as a little over-the-top at times, especially towards the end, but this is also Get Smart we are talking about. What about it isn’t over-the-top?

ROMANCE/T&A:

The Jerk-The relationship between Max and 99 gets put on fast-forward in the movie, since they have to cover it in two hours instead of five years, but it still works extremely well. Carrell and Hatheway have some very good chemistry together, and you really do see the two characters grow to like each other as the movie goes on. It’s very rare that this sort of thing is pulled off without feeling forced, so that was nice to see.

Also…oh my God, Anne Hatheway is freaking beautiful. Like, holy crap.

The Gent-All I can really say is that Anne Hathaway can infiltrate my secret base any day (apologies to the girlfriend). I don’t recall if the old series had any romance between 86 and 99, but what I do know is that they were definitely a team. If anything, Carell and Hathaway make a good team. Yes, the age difference might make the romantic interest a little weird, but it’s the differences between them that make their comedy work. As far as their romantic chemistry, I think one of the key helping points is that they are playing two recognizable characters who always looked good together 

FAITHFULNESS TO THE ORIGINAL:

The Jerk-While the movie was updated and modernized, it still kept very much to the spirit of the original series. And it did make a few nods to the old show, showing all of the classic gadgets (like the shoe-phone and Max’s old suit and car), and having some of the old side-characters like Agent 13 and Hymie show up. While it doesn’t try to just emulate the series, they did a better job of updating it than, say, replacing the gung-ho Dukes of Hazzard with the guys from Dude, Where’s My Car? and Jackass.

(Fun Fact: when the original Get Smart aired, the writers were actually contacted by the CIA, saying they wanted to get their own versions of some of the gadgets from the show.  Life imitates art, my friends)

GRIPES:

The Jerk-Like I said earlier, the swings between pure comedy and straight action flick can really throw you off, especially when Max is the one doing the ass-kicking. It’s not that big of a deal, really, but it does detract from the whole “bumbling hero in a situation way too big for him” motif. Also, I think they really missed the boat by not doing more with Agent 13 instead of just having him show up in only one scene. Still, those are pretty minor.

The Gent-Speaking of the romance, one of my biggest problems was how they tried to justify the age difference between Hathaway and Carell. While I won’t get into details, I thought that the justification of ultimately choosing a younger Agent 99 was not only unnecessary but a little too much. It felt like the writers were pulling at straws a bit. My other major problem was the resolution between Smart and henchman Dalip, played by pro-wrestler Dalip Singh. I suppose it played on the character of Max Smart, but I think there could have been a better ending for that fight and still used Smart’s once-in-a-while cleverness. Once more they still could have taken Dalip in the direction that they took.

OVERALL:

The Jerk-Get Smart isn’t really covering any new ground, but what it does, it does well. It’s got some really great laughs, some pretty rockin’ action, and a very cool feel to it that sets it apart from other movies in the same vein (which pretty much just consists of this movie and Austin Powers) Thus far, it’s the most fun comedy I’ve seen this year.

This jerk’s thumb…is UP.

The Gent-I personally enjoyed Get Smart a great deal. Even with only having very vague memories of the show, I was still able to go in and enjoy myself. The comedy was the right kind of silly without being too juvenile and it was in all the right places. What was nice about the movie was being able to just really let loose and laugh. I don’t know about Andy and if he will let me co-review The Dark Knight, but I may also have to send him a guest review for Get Smart’s Bruce and Lloyd: Out of Control when it hits DVD stands in July.

This gent’s thumb…is UP.

*****

So there you have it, folks! Both the Jerk and the Gent approve of the movie, which means if you don’t enjoy it, you are wrong. Plain, straight, factually wrong. And also probably a terrorist…you evil, heartless bastard! What does it take to get you to enjoy a good movie?! I mean, really, what kind of wrong-headed monster are you?! I’ll never forgive you for this! NEVER! From this day forth, I swear to wreak my righteous vengeance down upon you! I’ll fight you to the ends of the Earth, you demonic husk of a man! I’ll rally against you with everything I am and everything I stand for! You’ll never take me alive, you, you–

….sorry, I kinda lost my train of thought.

Anyway, go see Get Smart. ‘s fun.

(oh, and by the by, Gent, I’m already reserving my seats for Dark Knight. You’re more than welcome to team up for another co-review, but you have to be the sidekick)

Anywho, my first original post on this blog takes a look at one of the summer’s bigger comedic outings, You Don’t Mess With the Zohan.  So, is the Zohan worth messing with in the first place?

PLOT:

SNL legend and perpetual-third-grader Adam Sandler returns, this time as Zohan, an Israeli counter-terrorist who wants to get out of the endless fighting and become a hair stylist in America.  Starting a new life in New York, he eventually has to unite the bickering Israeli and Palestinian immigrant communities to stop an evil business tycoon from tearing down their homes and building a mall, while falling in love with his Palestinian co-worker and fending off his old rival.  Throw in a couple of ham-fisted diatribes about how casting aside the thousands of years of hatred between the two peoples is as easy as discovering they all want to bone Laura Bush, and you’re pretty much set.

STYLE:

Like most of these one-note-character movies, there’s a lot of time spent on intentionally-fake-looking slapstick effects, and from there it follows the typical formula of every Happy Madison movie.  Expect the usual round of “surprise” cameos and deliberate lampshade-hanging.

ACTING:

Sandler does his damnedest to clone Sascha Baron Cohen’s Borat, with a little brown makeup to try and pretend it’s a different character.  What’s sad is I’m well aware he’s capable of much much better: his roles in Spanglish and Punch Drunk Love demonstrated that he’s able to do more than just these one-dimensional bits, so it’s disappointing to see he’s regressed back into that.  The same can be said of John Turturo (The Phantom), Nick Swardson (Michael), Rob Schneider (Salim), and pretty much the rest of the entire cast.  The only character who comes off like an honest-to-God human being is Emmanuelle Chriqui (Dalia), and even then it’s hard to like her since she gets saddled with all the hokey “can’t we all just get along?” speeches.

I will say that Michael Buffer (whom you might remember as the “LLLLLLET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!” guy) is an almost perfect embodiment of the ’super-rich corporate douche’ in his role as Walbridge.  In fact, his whole scene in his boardroom felt like it was straight from the Dick Jones scenes in Robocop; I wouldn’t have flinched at all if the ED-209 stomped into the room and machine-gunned a lackey just for the hell of it.

ACTION/VIOLENCE:

Lots and lots of cartoonish fight scenes and stunts, the best of which was Zohan storming the Phantom’s hideout in the beginning of the movie.  And after this movie, I will never ask a stranger for a “pretzel” ever again.

ROMANCE/T&A:

As in all Adam Sandler movies, he gets to do a love story with a woman who is way out of his league, only this time with makeup and a horrendously fake accent.  There’s never any real scene where Dalia has a reason to “fall” for Zohan: one minute she’s trying like hell to get him to leave her alone, and the next they’re having a platonic-but-leading-towards-romantic day out in the park, after a montage of Zohan banging gross old women.

Yes, yes, there’s an entire subplot revolving around Zohan’s tendency to pork his elderly customers, most noticeably his friend Michael’s mom.  Lots and lots of gross-out sex humor ensues.  And I don’t know about you, but I really could’ve gone without seeing Adam Sandler’s ass at any time in my life.

On the plus side, Emmanuelle Chriqui is pretty damn gorgeous.

GRIPES:

Aside from the most obvious gripe I have (the blatantly racist portrayals of Israeli and Arabic stereotypes), Zohan seems to have banked all of its humor on the same four jokes, over and over again:

-Zohan has a large penis
-Zohan fights like a human Looney Toon
-Zohan likes to pork old women
-Middle Eastern people really like Hummus

After about the twenty-seventh hummus joke, it really starts to wear thin.  The whole thing feels like a five-minute SNL sketch stretched out to two hours.

Combined with the obnoxiously ignorant commentary on the struggles in the Middle East, and you begin to see my biggest gripe with this movie, and of just about all of Hollywood these days: it treats you like you are stupid.  Everything’s spelled out for you, none of the characters grow or change in any significant way, and all of the humor is aimed at the lower basic trains of thought.  Like all mainstream comedies, it’s marketed towards the lowest common denominator, and that means assuming everyone in the audience is an idiot.

OVERALL:

While I’ll freely admit it brings the funny on more than one occasion, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan is a brainless ego-vehicle for Sandler at best, an Al-Jolson-like blackface routine at worst.  Not trying anything that hasn’t been done before or even being the least bit clever, it’s a comedic placebo, some easy-to-swallow laugh candy with a sugary feel-good message about tolerance towards the people they just spent two hours mocking.

You Don’t Even Want to Bother with the Zohan.  Trust me.

This jerk’s thumb….is DOWN.

(on the bright side, the trailer for Hancock looked pretty damn fun)

Anyway, that’s the only real bit of catch-up needed.  On to the main point of this little article.  Two of this summer’s three big movies are out, the second one being the triumphant return of Harrison Ford and his fedora in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  So after twenty years of waiting, does the greatest adventure hero of all time age like a fine wine or a glass of milk?

(WARNING: this review may contain spoilers.  I say “may” because I’m writing this one all stream-of-consciousness and don’t want to go back and add this warning in later if there are some)

PLOT:

Indy finds himself pitted against the Soviets this time (now that it’s acceptable in the mainstream to actually admit that communists are evil), being forced into a quest to find another crazy-ass supernatural artifact–this one being a crystal skull belonging to a lost civilization that predates the Mayans.  This adventure includes tracking down a fellow archaeologist who went completely insane, enlisting the help of a goofy Fonz-wannabe, and aliens.  Yes, aliens.

STYLE:

Steven Spielberg doesn’t exactly re-invent the wheel here, but he took what’s proven to be a great formula and kept to its spirit.  The only thing that really bugged me was the over-use of CGI effects (especially towards the end), but that’s really to be expected for any movie with George Lucas’ name attached to it.

ACTING:

Harrison Ford seems to be just as comfortable in the role of everyone’s favorite academian badass as he was back in Raiders for the most part, but it did feel a little forced here and there, particularly early on.  Shia LeBeouf (aka The Timid Beef–TM Sandy Knight) was a lot better than I thought he’d be as ‘Mutt Williams,’ in as much as he didn’t make me want to fly out to Hollywood and sucker-punch him.  Actually, he was pretty fun (also, note the quotation marks I put over his name).  Cate Blanchett was an effective villain as the evil Soviet agent Irina Spalko, though her accent felt like it slipped from time to time.  Meanwhile, Karen Allen was a lot of fun to watch in her return as Indy’s first love interest, Marion Ravenwood.

Also, the guy who played the Janitor from Scrubs makes a cameo.

ACTION:

Indy may have gotten older, but that won’t stop him from kicking your ass.  There are a whole lot of utterly ludicrous action sequences in this one, including a skirmish inside Area 51, an impromptu gang rumble in a suburban soda parlor which then led to a car chase through a college campus, and an awesome continuously-moving car chase/shootout/giant brawl/swordfight that ends with a Russian soldier getting eaten by ants.

I also very much enjoyed the tongue-in-cheek repetition of the all-time classic action movie cliche: the Inevitable Waterfall (as in, any time the heroes are going down a river, they will invariably encounter a waterfall, even if it makes no sense for one to be there).  And early on, Doctor Jones teaches us that a trusty refrigerator is all you need to survive an atomic blast.  No kidding.

ROMANCE:

I always find it funny that all the young, extremely-good-looking actresses and actors have about as much natural sizzle and flash as a UPS truck when it comes to romance, but then the older folks (as in, the ones you would not ever want to see get ‘romantic’) always manage to be charming as hell.  This is no exception, as Harrison Ford and Karen Allen are a lot of fun to watch together.  Also, it’s been a proven scientific fact that Cate Blanchett is a goddess among women, and she should feel free to call me any time.

GRIPES:

If you hadn’t figured it out by reading the “Action” portion, virtually everything that happens in this movie is absolutely preposterous.  That’s to be expected in this sort of movie–I mean, if everything were utterly realistic, it would be about Doctor Jones giving boring-ass lectures and being denied grants to do field research.  Still, Crystal Skull treads a very fine line between awesome and stupid when it comes to how far you’re willing to suspend disbelief, and crosses that line on more than one occasion.

Also, I was kind of sad that they didn’t continue the subplot of Indy being monitored by the FBI.  They play it up for exactly one scene, then move along and forget it entirely.

OVERALL:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Supremely Ridiculous proves that you don’t have to make a goddamn lick of sense in order to be a good time.  Its complete disregard for the laws of physics and plot that sounds like it was conceived by L. Ron Hubbard aside, it’s still a fun ride that doesn’t really feel all that out-of-place among the rest of the series once you remember how stupid Temple of Doom got.  Go see it, but make damn sure not to bring one of your “there’s no way that could happen” friends with you.

This jerk’s thumb…is UP.

No, we’re here because I just got back from the official kick-off for the summer movie season, with Marvel’s latest offering, Iron Man.  The film’s been getting a lot of hype (though it can’t compare to the ridiculous self-sustaining hype machine that is The Dark Knight), so like any jaded comic nerd, I put up my critic barrier and prepared to see a bastardized Hollywood perversion of the franchise.  Man, being wrong never felt so good.

The lights went down, and we were treated to exactly two previews: Dark Knight and Indiana  Jones.  And that’s it.  No bullshit romantic comedy, no wacky hijinks with Queen Latifah, no annoying commercial with the paper bag puppets talking about Fandango.  Just the only two previews you’re interested in seeing, and then moving right along.  I like a movie that doesn’t screw around like that.  Anywho, after getting properly psyched for the only two other movies that matter this year, it was show-time.

PLOT:

Weapon-designer and billionaire douchebag Tony Stark is in the Middle East showing off his latest creation to the military brass when he gets attacked and kidnapped by a massive terrorist cell called ‘The Ten Rings.’  They force him to build a super-weapon for them, and like any honest red-blooded American in a similar situation, he instead makes a kickass robot suit with which he promptly ruins their shit (U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!)  Upon returning to America, he realizes how much of a jackass he’s been, and builds an even more kickass robot suit in order to fix the mess he made.  Awesomeness ensues.

STYLE:

You’d think that a joint venture between special-effects wizard Stan Winston and the CGI masters at Industrial Light and Magic would be able to pull off some decent superhero effects…and holy shit, you’d be right.  How come Lucas’ effects crew couldn’t make his own movies look this good?!

ACTING:

Much ado has been made about Robery Downey Jr.’s performance as the disshevled and emotionally conflicted Tony Stark, so allow me to make a little more.  Downey absolutely nails the role, switching from sarcastic to sympathetic seamlessly.  It should be noted that Gwyneth Paltrow does a fantastic job as Stark’s assistant–the unfortunately-named Pepper Potts (dammit, Stan Lee, why does every one of your characters have to have alliterative names?!), and Jeff Bridges plays off of Downey very well as the douchebag-but-not-in-a-fun-way Obadiah Stane.  The casting could not have been more spot-on.

ACTION:

Oh there’s quite a bit of it, and it’s all good good stuff.  If you’re a terrorist, you might not want to watch this one, as those poor guys fare worse than in your average Bruce Willis movie.  They get blasted with laser beams, mini-missiles, regular missiles, flamethrowers, and when that’s not good enough, Iron Man simply sends ‘em flying with a good haymaker or two.  Throw in a fantastic aerial chase scene with a couple of F-22s and a giant robot-suit duel, and you’ve got yourself a real treat.

ROMANCE:

If there’s one thing that drives me nuts about superhero movies, it’s that they always feel forced to focus on a contrived love story, usually between two leads who have little chemistry together.  It hurt the last Superman movie, it nearly ruined the Spider-Man franchise, and even got shoved into the by-all-rights-amazing Batman Begins.  However, this one gets it right with the somewhat cynical and one-sided relationship between Tony and Pepper.  Downey and Paltrow play off each other incredibly well and pull it off without the usual whiff of ham and cheese.  And I gotta say that Miss Paltrow is still unbelievably attractive.

FAITHFULNESS TO THE ORIGINAL:

Like the first two Spider-Man movies, it keeps very close to the spirit of the original comic despite not keeping to the exact details.  It does take some pretty major departures here and there, but makes sure to throw purists a bone with a few winks and nods.  The terrorist cell ‘The Ten Rings,’ for example, gets its name from the old villain the Mandarin, who had a different magic ring on each finger.  And Stark’s computer program ‘Jarvis’ is named after his butler from the comics, whom I assume was made into a computer for the sake of covering up the fact that Stark is basically Bruce Wayne with a better social life.  Most of all, they made Tony a genuinely likeable character, as opposed to the current comics where he’s just “that douchebag who got Captain America killed.”

Also, all you True Believers out there will want to stick around for the Easter-egg that plays after the end credits.

GRIPES:

The only thing that kinda bugged me was how heavy-handed Stark’s change of heart was.  I mean, it was effective and all, and showcases what’s wrong about war profiteering, but it tended to get a little redundant.  Really, that’s about all I can think of right now.

OVERALL:

Most superhero movies can only offer a one-sided selection in the balance between actual substance and popcorn spectacle.  X-Men United had some great action sequences, but lost a lot of the social commentary that made the old comic so great.  Superman Returns was a good introspective look into the heart and mind of an iconic character, but dwelt on it so long that it barely had any action at all.  Iron Man delivers on all fronts, with smart dialogue, a tight pace, and a truly solid tale of a wayward soul finding redemption.  Also, he beats the crap out of bad guys in an awesome robot suit.  What more could you want?

This jerk’s thumb….is WAY UP.

Fortunately, I got another call about an hour later telling me I didn’t have to come in after all, and instead I went with my friends to go see Stallone’s new piece of ego-stroking for one of his most beloved characters, Rambo.

So, at his current age, does Sly still have what it takes to be an action hero?

PLOT:

After spending the last 20 years (or however long it was between Rambo III and now) working as a snake-catcher for some shithole in Thailand, John Rambo gets hired to ferry some missionary types into [NOT VIETNAM], where the [NOT NORTH VIETNAMESE] are carrying out a brutal campaign of genocide.  Naturally, the missionary types get captured after Rambo leaves, so he instead comes back with a rag-tag band of mercenaries to brave the hazards of [NOT VIETNAM] to rescue them and kill the shit out of everyone else.

Also, Rambo is still haunted by his horrible experiences in [ACTUAL VIETNAM] and all the shit that happened in the first 3 movies, so I’d like to think it was a fairly therapeutic experience for him to go into [NOT VIETNAM] and set things straight.

STYLE:

Y’know, say what you will about the guy, but Stallone is a surprisingly competent director.  Nothing particularly flashy or gimmicky (though I did like the nightmare-sequence that used lines from the old movies), but it’s all solid.  And when it comes to the action sequences, he doesn’t do that annoying shaky-camera thing that’s ruined most fight scenes lately, nor does he over-stylize it like others.  It’s all just down and dirty.

ACTING:

Sly puts on his best thousand-yard-stare and keeps it there for the entire movie.  Normally that’s pretty annoying for the leading man, but Rambo’s a burned-out Vietnam vet who’s seen more shit than a manure salesman, so he’s not supposed to emote that much.  On the flip side of it, the two main pacifist missionaries (Julie Benz and Paul Schulze) ham it up to being almost comical at some points.  Tim Kang played the role of the [NOT VIETNAMESE] commander well enough for me to really hate him, and the mercs do the stereotypical action-movie-team roles.  You’re not going to see any Oscar-worthy material, but it’s a fucking Rambo movie, so come on.

ACTION/VIOLENCE:

This movie only had about three colors in it: green (the jungle), brown (the dirt and mud that everyone’s covered in), and red (the obscene amounts of blood and gore that are continuously flying around).  The movie’s got the [NOT VIETNAMESE] Army massacring villagers with everything from machine guns to mortars to flamethrowers, and you see every last bit of what they do.  There’re kids getting their brains blown out, people getting burned alive, and all sorts of sick stuff.

So when Rambo and his buddies blow into [NOT VIETNAM] for the second half of the movie, you’re just begging for those bastards to get blown to shit.  And Sly does not disappoint: the bad guys wind up on the receiving end of disembowelings, beheadings, massive explosions, and lots and lots and lots and lots of big gaping bloody bullet-holes.  Seriously, the big battle sequence in the end makes 300 look like the fucking Care Bears movie.

ROMANCE/T&A:

There really isn’t any, and to be honest, it’d really be out of place in a Rambo movie.  Those [NOT VIETNAMESE] Army guys sure do like to rape people, though.  There’s at least 1 or 2 regular rape scenes going on during the village massacre, a big gang-rape at their camp, and a teenage boy getting raped by the main villain (though thankfully they don’t show that).  It’s all pretty disturbing, and goes to show why all these guys were in desperate need of a good killing.

FAITHFULNESS TO THE ORIGINAL:

Here’s a fun fact I bet you didn’t know (and I didn’t know either till I looked it up): First Blood, the original Rambo movie, was based on a novel of the same name.  However, there are two big differences between the John Rambo in that book and the one that shows up in the movies.  First off, the Rambo in the book is the villain, and mows down tons of innocent civilians during his rampage.

Second, Rambo kills himself at the end of the book (and, it turns out, in the original ending of the movie; it was re-shot prior to its theatrical release)

So for this movie to be faithful to the source material, it’d have to be about Rambo’s corpse continuing to decompose and get eaten by worms and whatnot.  Which, I gotta admit, would only be entertaining if you’re a goth kid or something.

GRIPES:

I’ll admit to being a bit of a movie snob, sometimes demanding way more from a movie than most audiences.  However, in this case, I got just about exactly what I expected, and don’t have a whole lot to complain about.

The dialogue did bug me at a lot of parts, though.  There are a bunch of exchanges where Rambo and the pacifist-types banter back and forth with a bunch of lines that are supposed to sound deep and philosophical about the true nature of the world, but they really don’t say anything.

And to be quite honest, I was really expecting a lot more on the ridiculous-amount-of-violence scale.  I don’t particularly feel cheated or anything like that, but I guess I was caught off-guard by the fact that there was an actual plot.

OVERALL:

What did I learn from watching Rambo?

-War is awesome, but only if you’re really good at it.
-Any weapon in Sylvester Stallone’s hands magically becomes a cannon.
-All Asian people are filthy, bloodthirsty savages, and we should have nuked the whole continent when we had an excuse.

Honestly, though, if you’re going into Rambo expecting subtle and meaningful context, you are clearly deluded.  It’s exactly what you’d expect it to be: a gritty, unapologetic, extremely bloody romp through the jungles of [NOT VIETNAM], and a chance for Stallone to come full circle with one of the characters that made him famous.

Oh, and I noticed a lot of critics bashing the movie for its portrayal of Asians.  Thing is, if you ever listen to some of the stories from refugees in just about every military conflict on that continent (the Vietnamese, the Cambodians, the North Koreans, the Chinese, the Japanese during WWII–they’re all pretty fucked up), it’s depressingly accurate.  So before everyone gets on their high horse for Stallone making the handful of Americans the only sane people there, keep in mind that in the real world, more often than not the Americans really are the only sane people there.

As long as you know what you’re getting into, this jerk’s thumb…is UP.

(WARNING: This review contains massive spoilers.  Well, what little there is to actually spoil)

First thing’s first:

-Yes, you get to see what the monster looks like.
-No, they don’t tell you what the hell it is (unless you pay really close attention to the very last shot of the movie).
-As a matter of fact, they don’t tell you a goddamn thing.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s go into the nitty-gritty of it.

PLOT:

A giant fucking monster attacks New York, and the hero’s bumbling best friend manages to capture their ordeal on camera while they try and save the hero’s girlfriend and not die horribly in the process.  Like The Blair Witch Project, except with a giant fucking monster instead of a stupid witch.

STYLE:

Jesus Christ, can you hold the camera still for one fucking second?  I mean, I know they’re trying to be realistic and all, but come on.  Once we’re allowing there to be a giant fucking monster, it’s not that much of a stretch to make believe that the cameraman can get a few shots without acting like he’s having a seizure in the process.  This movie is not for those who get motion-sickness easily.

That being said, the real question here is “is it scary?”  Surprisingly, yes.  There are a few really good ‘holy shit’ moments, and the mood just keeps getting bleaker and more out-of-control.  I know that’s the same thing I bashed 28 Weeks Later for, but the difference here is that the characters are all pretty likeable, so you actually give a shit about them.

ACTING:

The writing’s all fairly typical Hollywood one-liner-ish, but thankfully the cast did a good job of naturalistic delivery.  Michael Stahl-David was pretty good for your leading man (Rob), but the most relateable was T.J. Miller as sidekick/narrator Hud.  Jessica Lucas was effectively distraught as Lily, but Lizzy Caplan felt more like a poor man’s Helena Bonham Carter as Marlena.  The best accolade I can give about acting is when you don’t even register that they’re acting, and overall the cast pulled that off.  So kudos.

ACTION/VIOLENCE:

There’s plenty of it, but you don’t get to see any of it because they won’t hold the fucking camera still long enough to let you know what’s going on.  I gotta say, though, the first big battle in the streets between the Army and the giant monster was pretty awesome.  And the chase scene through the subway tunnel scared the shit out of me.

ROMANCE/T&A:

The love story between Rob and Beth was decent, but felt more like a plot device to get the gang to go back into the city and watch all the crazy shit.  Hud’s unrequited crush on Marlena felt really contrived, especially during the first act of the movie.  I mean come on, even I’m not that sad.

GRIPES:

Goddammit, if you’re going to make a monster movie where you don’t show the monster for months, at least have the decency to give us some answers during the movie!  Nowhere is there any explanation for what the hell’s going on, and rather than the old Hitchcock sense where ‘leaving it up to your imagination’ is satisfying, it’s just frustrating.  We’ve spent months leaving it up to our imagination– you could at least let us know whether or not we were right.

There are plenty of ham-fisted allusions to the 9/11 attacks, too, which is pretty fucking tacky when you think about it.  I mean, I get that it’s supposed to recall the panic and overall sense of dread we all felt that day, but really.  They took the sights and sounds of a terrorist attack that killed 3,000 innocent people and propelled our country into 2 ongoing wars, and turned it into popcorn spectacle.  At best, it’s a clumsy attempt at social commentary.  At worst, it’s fucking insulting.

Also, as much as I hate to say it…the monster looks stupid.  I have no idea what the hell they were going for here, but it’s just a mess.  A simple giant lizard or Cthulhu squid or something would’ve been fine, but noooo, instead we get this weird-ass thing that I can’t even properly describe.  And the little mini-monsters that come off of it are such a ripoff of the bugs from Starship Troopers (which has been ripped off by the Aliens, the Zerg, the Tyranids, and just about every other bug-swarm-monsters since the book was written)

Most frustrating of all…THERE ISN’T A FUCKING ENDING!!!

OVERALL:

Some of my friends absolutely loved Cloverfield. Some of them hated it with a passion.  I’m still not entirely sure how I felt about it.  On the one hand, it hooked me with the initial big-monster attacks.  On the other hand, it kept yanking me around and not telling me what the fuck was going on.  I enjoyed it right til the end, only to have it just cut out with no payoff whatsoever.

This is why I don’t like shows like Lost; they get you asking a bunch of questions, then never answer any of them.  It’s intriguing, sure, but it’s also insanely frustrating.  They really should’ve just done another Godzilla and called it a day.

This jerk’s thumb…is….

(Since the movie didn’t give us an ending, I’m not giving my review one.  See how you like it!)

PLOT:

Benjamin Barker had a good life as a barber, with a beautiful wife and daughter.  That is, until a crooked judge had him locked away on false charges, raped Barker’s wife, and took his daughter for his own perverted purposes.  Fifteen years later, Barker has returned to London, taking the guise of ‘Sweeney Todd’ and desperate for revenge.  Add in the somewhat demented pie-shop owner Miss Lovett and a need for meat to boost business, and the two begin making a bloody trail leading to the judge.

STYLE:

I’ve never been shy about the fact that I really, really, really don’t like Tim Burton.  I think he’s a pompous ass who believes himself to be above more capable directors, and has spent recent years just churning out dreck for the Hot Topic kids.  That being said, he’s got a great eye for cinematography, and it shows in this picture.  More importantly, Burton managed to remember that his style is not the star of the movie, and chose instead to keep faithfully close to the intention of the orginal work.  Now if he had only done the same for his old script of Superman Lives…

ACTING:

I’ve never been a huge fan of Johnny Depp (not that I think he’s a bad actor; just overrated), but he turned in a very engaging performance as Barker/Sweeney.  Helena Bonham Carter was great as Miss Lovett, and carried an awful lot of sympathy with her that I never got from the stage show.  Alan Rickman was at his creepy-Alan-Rickman-ly best as Judge Turpin, backed up by Timothy Spall as the even more sleazy Beadle Bamford.  Round out the supporting cast with solid work from Jamie Campbell Bower as Anthony Hope, Ed Sanders as Toby, and a cameo from Sascha Baron Cohen as Pirelli, and you’ve got a pretty nice lineup.  The only one who felt a little off was Jayne Wisener as Johanna, but that might be because she barely opened her mouth at all while singing.

ACTION/VIOLENCE:

This one’s definitely not for the squeamish.  Plenty of slashed throats, bone-crunching falls, splattered brains, and a burning alive.  Oh, and cannibalism!  You can’t do Sweeney Todd without plenty of good ol’ cannibalism.

ROMANCE/T&A:

The one-sided relationship between Sweeney and Miss Lovett played out really nicely.  Depp and Carter have very good chemistry together (which is no surprise considering they’re both in every fucking movie Tim Burton does).  Also, Helena Bonham Carter looks pretty hot in a corset.

FAITHFULNESS TO THE ORIGINAL:

A few songs were cut to save time, but that happens in virtually every adaptation from stage to screen.  Also, both Sweeney and Lovett are supposed to be quite a bit older in the play, but I suppose that can be overlooked.  By and large, the movie keeps very closely to the spirit of the play itself.

GRIPES:

Not a whole lot to complain about here.  The one thing that kept bugging me was that they completely cut out the main title song of the whole show.  One of the most striking parts of the musical was the finale, where everyone Sweeney killed comes back out (still bloody and dead) to sing the song one last time.  And it’s nowhere to be found in the movie.

Other than that, I was satisfied.

OVERALL:

A lot of my friends are avoiding this movie simply because it’s a musical, and as we all know, musicals are “gay.”  If that’s the deal-breaker for you, then you’re really depriving yourself.  Sweeney Todd is one hell of a dark movie, an extremely well-done tale of a man’s self-destruction in his quest for revenge.  It’s brutal when it wants to be, funny when it needs to be, and altogether an extremely entertaining experience.

This jerk’s thumb…is WAY UP